Good things can happen out of a broken heart...

GONE!

2007-03-13T21:02:00.000+07:00

Hi Diary,

I've finally write down an email to Aldric that goes like this.
Sent : Monday, 12 March 2007 8:32:03 AM To : randante@gmail.com CC : cameliasantoso@hotmail.com, alltheworld2c@hotmail.com, viona_yorke@hotmail.com, fa_44@yahoo.com Subject : GONE.

Hi Dric.
Gw harap loe sudah sembuh dari kebiasaan loe yang mudah bohong dan memberi kesan yang salah kepada orang lain. Selain tidak baik untuk diri loe, hal ini juga tidak baik untuk orang yang loe bohongin dan mendapat kesan yang salah dari loe.
I thought I'd write, I thought I'd to let you know...that sejak mengetahui semua trick2 loe dan cara berpikir loe, gw sudah melepaskan loe dari hidup gw. Gw surprised loe masih berani manggil gw di msn dan ngomong seolah olah gak ada apa apa. Ini menandakan loe gak menghargai gw sama sekali. And if you don't then you don't. Anyway I've considered you gone.
Gw rasa hal yang paling menyenangkan adalah gw sama sekali tidak punya minat/interest lagi untuk tau apapun mengenai loe. RAsanya udah males banget aja. Gw adalah orang yang baik dan setia dan gw tadinya percaya atas segala sesuatu yang loe ucapkan. Tapi berbuat baik sama loe terus gw rasa gak akan menghasilkan apapun yang baik. Jadi, gw gak mau nganggep loe sebagai teman gw lagi.
Gw tetep mendoakan loe supaya Tuhan mengkhasihani loe... Gw tidak akan lupa sama semua perbuatan loe, gw juga sudah memaafkan loe (meskipun mungkin loe gak merasa bersalah dan gak pernah minta maaf juga)...
Gw rasa ini yang terbaik. Gw sudah melakukan apa yang bisa gw lakukan untuk loe dan gw gak ngutang dan gak ngejahatin loe, dan gw sudah mengerti bahwa loe gak perduli sama gw. Oleh karena itu gw rasa loe gak perlu menghubungi gw lagi. Gw sudah delete semua yang ada hubungannya dengan loe juga. Dan gw juga akan anggep email2 loe sebagai junkmail. Jadi don't even bother to write back.
Kalau perlu ini email dikasih liat lagi aja ke siapa pun yang loe mau kasih liat, dan bisa juga loe edit2, supaya orang kira bahwa Camel masih ngejar2 loe.. dan nungguin loe sejak SMP... I think you're an idiot.
Semoga hidup loe baik2 saja, tanpa menyakiti orang tua loe lagi, adik loe dan semua orang yang pernah deket sama loe. Gw rasa loe punya some personality defect yang harus loe perbaiki dengan berobat ke dokter.
Loe juga boleh menganggap gw gak pernah ada, dan boleh berpikir kalau gw yang jahat sama loe, tapi nevertheless, gw harap loe dapet some professional help in clearing your thoughts dan kalau loe aktif di gereja, sekalian lah berdoa agar Tuhan membantu dan memaafkan dosa dosa loe...
Loe gak bisa menjadi orang yang lebih baik dengan adanya gw dalam hidup loe, jadi gw rasa lebih baik kita coba apakah loe bisa menjadi lebih baik tanpa gw. Kalau gak juga yah... what have we got to lose except yourself?
Mengenai CD gw, loe jangan minta. Gw rasa gw sudah memberi cukup banyak buat loe. Tapi apa yang pernah loe kasih ke gw? Mungkin loe harus belajar memiliki rasa tahu malu.
Jadi udah dulu ya.
Camel.
p.s. untuk temen2 gw, I'm sorry you have to read all this, gw cuman ngirim ini ke loe orang, just in case if you read the edited version of this email somewhere on the net or any other media...you will know the truth. :).
***
I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know In the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go and I hope you find some time to drop a note, but if you won't, then you won't and I will consider you gone
I know that you went straight to someone else while I worked through all this shit here by myself and I think that you should spend some time alone, but if you won't, then you won't then I will, then I will consider you gone
I wake up in the night all alone, and that's alright the chemicals are wearing off since you've gone
the days go on, the lights go off and on and nothing really matters when you're gone if you think that you feel nothing at all if you don't, then you don't if you won't, then you won't then I will, then I will yeah, I will consider you gone
***
Gone by Ben Folds.

Mourning our way home... -_-.

2006-11-03T16:03:00.000+07:00

Bagaimanapun, berkabung adalah suatu masa...
masa yang tidak bisa di percepat,
tidak bisa disingkat menjadi satu hari atau satu minggu atau satu bulan.
Di masa masa berkabung ini, gw banyak mikirin mengenai masa hidup Ama..
bukan sebagai ama gw..
bukan sebagai ibu dari mam.
melainkan ama sebagai manusia.
Bagaimana dia mencintai, melewati masa-masa bahagia,
melewati masa-masa penderitaan,
melewati perjuangan untuk tetap hidup.

Tentu bagi orang kayak ama yang keras dan pendendam...
melawati hidup adalah suatu perjuangan yang berat...
Tapi waktu gw bongkar lemarinya..
gw nemuin foto-foto yang dia simpan..dan gw tau...
dibalik kekerasan hatinya...ama pun masih mempunyai cinta.
Kata mama, dia selalu muji muji dd dan gw.

Gw menangis bukan karena kehilangan ama...
Gw menangis karena tau ama gak rela...
dan gw kasian.
Gw pengen dia ngelepasin semuanya...
hidup di tempat yang baru dengan tenang dan damai.

Kita semua tau bahwa kita akan mati.
Tapi ada satu bagian dari otak gw yang
bener2 ngira bahwa kayaknya ama gak bakalan mati dhe.
Dan karena dia hidup begitu lama...
dan bisa "say goodbye" begitu lama...
gw selalu nyoba bayangin gimana yah kira kira kalau ama meninggal...
apa kita bakal nangis kayak waktu akong meninggal?
Sedangkan anak anaknya pungak ada yang mau liatin dia lagi kecuali mam...

Gw kira gw gak bakal nangis. Meskipun sedikit.
Tapi...yah kematian layaknya diikuti dengan berkabung.
Dan inilah masanya.
Evelyn bilang..kita harus selalu baik sama grandparents kita...
when they live and after they die...that's all we can do.

Malam2 pun, gw teringat ama... dan sambil beresin amplop2 sumbangan,
gw nyanyi untuk dia...
ama, lepaskan semua...
ama, lepaskan semua...

Love or Leave...

2006-10-21T22:02:00.000+07:00

Love or Leave is at number 1!!! This is so unbelievable and unexpected!

Waaaa..the moski people will have a celebration tomorrow nite ^_^.

Love or Leave by MOskvitch.

Eyes of you...
A vision ofYour beauty,
lies and truthI felt so vindicated
The illussion
Turned into reality

I may be dumbfounded
But I know I'm not dumb
You turned all my believe
Into some disbelief
Use me and I'll write a book on being used by you.

I have not
Been sleeping since
Your beauty lies and truth took over.. me.
Felt so vindicated
Listen up boy...
Start to break up your ploy!!!!

Cause you're not Hugh Hefner
And I'm not your playmate bunny..
So you got to love one of us!!!

I can wait
It's not too late
I'm young and can still buy the time but,
Please...Love or leave me in one piece.
Just can't take itWhen we get along so well...

Listen up boy, Break up your ploy.

*Sigh*

Good things can happen from my broken heart ...lol.

Check out our sound!! www.myspace.com/moskvitch

Grace

2006-10-19T16:04:00.000+07:00

My favourite word at the moment is "Grace."

Not that I use it often in everyday language...but it's just such a nice word, full of hope and all the wonderful things in life...

And also...it doesn't only mean one thing, but it's synanimous with everything well and nice.

For instance, it can mean
elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

or a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

But it's also a favor or good will.

And most of all, it's the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

Now, is just a matter of grace...

The drugs don't work.

2006-10-18T08:59:00.000+07:00

I know, I have to be strong...
But last night, I did find a few answers.
When there's only one of you and you're living a double life,
there comes a time when you would have to chose between which life you want to live.
That's what happen to Aldric.

I realised that while he's being cheerful, playful, selfish, flirtatious, and all that...
it has given him a sense of strength, power, charm and infinite persuasiveness..
And that is a world of difference when he was with me...
Calm, sensitive, gentle, thoughtful and compassionate,
but also giving, freeing and self-sacrificing.

And so it's almost impossible,
to live the life he has with me,
while having this other life where he has to act and put on a mask.
Because... I don't want that mask, but he can't handle life without it.
Maybe I hurt him too much too,
or maybe it's the progress of life itself,
where things just add up and one day he woke up
and realised that he had had enough.

The feeling I have now, is like...the time when my dad was sick.
I love my dad no matter what, but when he was sick,
I lost my old dad.

It keeps ringing in my head though...
You are still you and I love you.

But now... I don't think I like you anymore.

I thought I might have been a drug at some point of Aldric's life...
I gave him my support and encouragement...
to be less self sacrificing, to seek his own hapiness, to stand up for himself.
To find a balanced life, where he gives equally as he take.
Did he take too much of me?
Because I am now a drug that don't work anymore.

He used to give too much and now he takes too much from me.
He's craving for love and attention.
And I scream to give...
but I'm not the right drug anymore.

I can't help him. He has to help himself.
I don't know what will happen in the future.
I can't even tell him how I feel anymore...
I'm afraid that I got it all wrong.

So, there's nothing I can do...but running away from him.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

2006-10-16T08:40:00.000+07:00

Dear God,

Thank You for the pain in my life...
For it has create a hole in my heart
So that I can contain more hapiness in it.

Thank You for letting me taste the salt...
For it sting in my mouth
So that I can taste the sweetness of life
Amen.

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS by Maya Angelou.

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind and floats downstream till the current ends and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage can seldom see through his bars of rage his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The Road Less Travelled

2006-10-07T08:54:00.000+07:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference...

Robert Frost

Every fights changes us...

2006-09-23T14:05:00.000+07:00

Kan gw sama Yoke lagi nge download2 lagu... terus gw kasih dia denger lagu Crystal Waters yang judulnya Gypsy Woman.

Sebetulnya gw bukan tipe orang yang suka lagu lagu model kayak beginian, tapi I really like this song...bagus aja..bukan mengenai cinta or sex or whatever..it's just a really nice song.

Nah, udah gitu pas kita lagi denger2 in... gw sambil nari nari ...terus gw jadi mikir...

Kalau dipikir pikir, sebetulnya gw gak suka sama co yang pergi ke clubs and stuff, minum minum, ngabisin duit orang tua n then pulang muntah2...Just not my kind of guy... kalau gw gak cinta dia, pasti gw udah ilfil yah waktu itu dan gak mau ngomong sama dia lagi hahah.

Tapi... yah gak taulah...kayaknya pikiran gw sekarang kan udah lebih jernih, jadi... banyak hal hal yang dulu gw gak bisa liat dan sekarang udah bisa.

Kayak the fact that...I don't really want to compete....sama ce2 lain, apalagi sama Tuhan. Memang pertama tama gw pikir, dia mau jadi pastor aja...eh ternyata masih liat sana sini toh... bagaimana yah, kalau hati co seperti buntut ikan yang langsung nyamperin setiap liat ada bambu yang goyang?

Gw rela sih kalau dia mau jadi pastor, jadi yah...gw juga rela kalau dia jadi sama ce lain.

Di pihak lain, I'm glad that he has been given choices...kalau dari pilihan2 yang banyak itu, bukan gw yang dipilih, then memang sebaiknya kita gak barengan.

Karena dia selalu seneng sama orang yang bisa ngatur dia, tapi gw sih gak bisa ngatur2 dia.. dan gak pengen juga... gw pengen dia menentukan pilihan untuk dirinya sendiri.

Waktu gw menerima dia di hati gw, gw pilih dia dan gw stop mencari yang lain... tapi yah... tiap orang beda beda...tiap orang punya free will, kebebasan untuk memilih...

Tapi satu hal yang pasti sih, ada kayak semacem pattern... dia selalu jadian sama orang lain setelah dia bilang dia care dan cinta sama gw...

Mungkin dia bohong
Mungkin dia membohongi diri sendiri
Mungkin dia salah mengerti dirinya
Mungkin gw salah mengeri dia
Mungkin dia cuman punya some issues dalam dirinya..

Karena setiap fights dalam hidupnya,
setiap dia dijahatin orang,
setiap dia dipukul papanya,
setiap dia dimaki maki,
setiap dia dihina atau direndahin orang,
setiap dia inget pernah dibohongin dan dikhianati,

Gw yakin semua itu merubah dia...

Ada yang nanya, gw gak marah digituin sama dia? Well...gak sih... just let it be.

Everybody is fighthing their own battle, so we should be kind to each other.

Orang pajak adalah perampok, titik!

2006-09-21T20:02:00.000+07:00

Terima kasih Lia,

Saya sekeluarga juga baik -baik.Syukur kalau Lia dan keluarga juga dalam keadaan baik.

Pindahan gudang tidak ada masalah yang berarti., Sistemprosedurnya nantisaya jelaskan waktu Lia Pulang ke Indonesia.

Untuk masalah pemeriksaan pajak menurut Pak Erick samapai saatini merekabelum menemukan kesalahan apa-apa, tapi biasanya pemeriksa pajak selalu mencari-cari, misalnya dia akan minta keseluruha mutasi tabungan (kemarin saya cuman kasih lembar terakhirnya), sesudah itu semua mutasi kredit dianggap penghasilan Pak Sani atan Ibu Ritta tak peduli apakah itu titipan orang atau penerimaan lainnya, lebih ekstrim lagi dia bisa cek barang-barangyang ada dirumah.

Terima kasih atas perhatiannya, Salam untuk Daniel dan Yoke

Take that chance Diana!!!!

2006-09-21T08:21:00.000+07:00

Diana...

Heh..gw sampe kaget dapet email dari Winarto K. hahah...
Eh iya sorry kemaren ini gw gak kirim email ke eloe, karena gw bener2 gak mampu...it's still a difficult time for me.

Diana...satu hal yang pasti, gw rasa sekarang masih belom terlambat antara loe dan Andree...loe tau gak sih...kalau loe gak suka sama dia, gak mungkin perasaan loe kayak sekarang..pasti loe gak perduli dan bisa ke co lain.

Saran gw, talk to him about how you feel... dan setelah itu...ajak dia untuk coba...kalau loe gak nyoba, loe akan nyesel!!! Jangan buang waktu lagi, sebelom terlambat...
Iyah gw mau foto foto bunga2 di rumah gw..emang cantik2 banget, tapi hari ini rada mendung dan hujan..we'll see how it goes ok.

Si Aldric ketemu ce ini melalui friendster gitu dhe. Dia baca blog ce itu dan ntah gimana jadi withdrawn to her... and they connect emotionally dan dia nelponin ce itu terus juga...Ce2 Jakarta agresif? GAk tau dhe...mungkin juga karena kita totok yah..ajarannya, jadi kita gak agresif.

Kata mama gw, gw itu jinak jinak merpati...padahal, gw gak bermaksud seperti itu lho...memang susah sekali untuk suka atau jatuh cinta ke co buat gw...apalagi...bangsa ce kayak kita...pernah disakitin, ngeliat sendiri di keluarga kita kayak gimana... it's a scarry world out there...but I donno yah Diana..we are in experience dalam hal hal ini. Co2 itu kan lebih experience... mereka udah pacaran berapa kali coba!! Sedangkan kita...sekali aja belom!!! John...hmmmm yah jadian jarak jauh gimana bisa disebut pacaran sih? Loe juga sama Soon...most of the time kan jarak jauh...

Eh 6 orang itu udah banyak lho... ajakin aja Andree lah...actually...gw pengen sih ketemu dia...Kalau gak ke Bali pun, bisa gak yah gw, loe n dia ketemuan?
Kita kalah dhe sama ce2 yang agresive itu Diana... padahal kita cuman ingin dicintai aja kan..hehehe... Dan gw realize sesuatu, semakin kita dicintai, semakin kita bisa mencintai mereka juga...there's so much for us to learn...

Hmm, selain teman2 gw dan keluarga gw...yah hanya Tuhan yang membuat gw tetep sane sih hahah...that's why...memang kita selalu jadi deket lagi dengan Tuhan..in time of our needs. Gw pikir, Tuhan itu ngasih kita kesempatan terusss...kayak papa gw dikasih chance to live normal again...gw yakin there's a chance for us to be happy but we also need to pray so that God gives us some luck too...and so that we can take that chance...

Love,
Camel.
----------------------------------------------------------"If you hear a voice within you say, 'You are not a painter,' then by all means paint…and that voice will be silenced." — Vincent Van Gogh---------------------------------------------------------

I don't want to be ordinary.

2006-09-20T17:02:00.000+07:00

Well, I suppose there are times to just stand aside...so I think...it's better to move my blog here. Lagipula kalau disini kan siapa tau Diana mau kasih gw comments hahaha...

Yah aduh gw sebetulnya bersyukur banget...punya girl friends yang baik baik dan sayang sama gw. Sungguh, kadang kadang gw gak tau ...koq gw bisa yah deserves teman2 yang baiknya kayak loe orang...

Guys may come and go...hopefully, ntar kita tetep temenan sampe nenek2...hehehe.

Sebetulnya gw juga tau koq kalau jalan hidup ini masih panjang banget...dan kita harus selalu belajar untuk bangkit dari segala kesulitan kita.

Kalau lihat ke luar pun, masih banyak orang lain yang lebih susah dari gw... orang orang yang lagi sakit, di rumah sakit, yang baru ditinggalkan orang yang mereka cintai, death, betrayal, fraud, so many sadness in this world...and so...kita harus give 110% ...strive to make good use of our lives...so that one day we may change the world.

I know2... sounds cliche...tapi...yah memang begitulah...mama gw bilang..."Lia, gw makan garam lebih banyak daripada loe makan nasi..."

The Shield

2006-08-20T12:31:00.000+07:00

For reasons other than what society would think as a "good reason",
I started thinking that maybe we're creating nicknames, new blogs on wherever,
different persona associated with different names just to get away from it all!

You see, it's a form of shield that protects you. Just like when personality splits
or temporary insanity. You might even say...this is a virtual insanity cause it exist in this virtual internet world. lol.

Sometimes we announce the world that we have this "shield" and sometimes we don't. But whether people know if you are crazy or not, crazy is just as crazy do.

And just because it's all cover with nice colour and humurous anecdotes,
we begin to think that it's okay, it's normal and it's not
some form of mental disease.

But when you look deeper into it, you'll see that...
it's like that...we are sick in some form of rather cause we've been hurt.

Hello miao a.k.a. Tsubaki a.k.a. Ckeche.

Love and Hate relationship with nasi padang.

2006-08-18T12:38:00.000+07:00

Gak tau kenapa yah, kalau pagi pagi, sebetulnya gw lebih seneng bawa makanan aja dari rumah, daripada harus makan nasi padang lagi.

Terus pas sampe di kantor, juga sebetulnya males banget pesen nasi padang lagi... tapi gak ada pilihan...

Tapi pas dateng, n udah dipegang bungkusannya, n udah jam makan, rasanya look forward juga untuk makan nasi padang hahah.

It's Only Love.

2006-08-13T00:25:00.000+07:00

This is actually a song from Evermore.

Take the long road for me...
Take the long road for me...
pam pam pam pa...
it's only love...
let's not wait...

***

I don't want to compete with God,
not because I know I will lose,
rather because I am in no position to do so,
and I surrender my life to Him.
pam pam pam pa...
it's only love...
I shouldn't wait..
and so I take the long road.

2006-08-11T18:54:00.000+07:00

I AM BORN.

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.

-David Copperfield - by Charles Dickens-

So I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to write a blog here...

Just lite things in Miao's life..

I did a Myerss Briggs Personality Test...and it's confirmed that I am n INFP.

I'm Introverted! My friends always have some difficulty in deciding whether I'm an introverted person or extroverted...The truth is...I am an Introvert hahah!

Anyway, the test result was quite interesting...

Healer (as they call people like me) present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved (HEHEH, people who knows me would have confim this )having a capacity for caring not always found in other types.

They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons (hmm yah, I'm a loving miao) or a favorite cause , and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality (I think I'm cursed), and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in.

Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood (well, I'm as unhappy as Garfield and Calvin in their life). Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents (they never cared much about my "friends"). In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters (oww, I thought that had to do with my severe middle child syndrome!!).

They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks (HAHAHAHAH...so I feel like an ugly duckling but really am a swan???).

Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them (yaa, poor meT_T). Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public....(I'm forever consumed with my head).

***

The funniest thing is...fictional INFP includes

Calvin (Calvin and Hobes) and Tommy (The Rugrats)! I love them hahah.